I am attempting to write this through a ton of tears. So, let's see how this goes. In case it isn't obvious, I am a super epic perfectionist. And so my lovely sponsor decided to challenge me to do something in a sub-standard fashion. And I decided the best thing to do would be to come back on this blog and post something that has no real theme or concept and to not edit anything I write in it. Let it be raw and real. Which means I am currently crying. Because this is not how I write. Because I don't let myself publish things that aren't up to my standard. But here we are. And here it goes.
My brain is currently a hot mess of anxiety and eating disorder thoughts. Which leads me to want to act out in other ways such as drinking and drugs and even self-harm again. Because I just cannot handle my own brain. I want to starve and shrink and exercise until I pass out. I want to feel the hunger gnawing at my insides. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't because that's not me anymore. I don't live in crisis anymore. And if one more person tells me that I need to get over it and move on because life is not a crisis and I should just eat. I am going to scream. Because they obviously just don't understand. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to crawl out and never crawl back in. It's hard. It's even harder to realize that a few months ago, I wasn't in as bad of a place. Meaning...this is my fault. I messed it up. I started exercising more. I drank. I took percocet. I stopped eating as much. This is my doing. And I think that is what hurts more than any thought. Is the one that tells me how much I know better.
I'm crying more now. Partially because of what I wrote and partially because it isn't phrased how I would like it to be. But that is how you let go. So, that's that.
Thursday, 13 October 2016
The holiest day of the year for the Jewish people is Yom Kippur. A day of atonement. A day to confess our sins to the almighty. A day to really think about where you hope to be next year. A day that is supposed to be a 25 hour fast.
That's right. No food or water from sunset to sunset. Which for most people is pretty hard. But not for me. Not for a lot of people with eating disorders. Fasting for me is not a holy act of refusing physicality. Fasting is an act of betrayal to my body and love for my brain. My stomach might hurt and I might feel faint but by the end, my mind is euphoric. It's like an internal high.
For me, fasting isn't holy. It's practically sacrilegious.
Every year I've had the same conversation with my therapist. She asks if I'm going to fast, I say yes, she tries to tell me not to, I do it anyway. And then somewhere down the line I realize that I never really stop fasting.
This year, I decided to get rabbis involved and see what they think. After all, most rabbis say if you can fast then you should. And believe me, I CAN FAST. I can fast and run a marathon. So, after much online research, I called Rabbi Dovid Goldwasser. A prominent Rabbi that deals with a lot of people with eating disorders.
News flash: he told not to fast.
This totally threw off my plan. Because I figured that he would tell me to fast and then my treatment team would have to leave me alone.
And because he told me I'm not allowed to fast... it was as good as Jewish law that I couldn't fast.
Yom Kippur was today. And only the second time since I can remember, I didn't fast. The other time I was in treatment. So, it was weird. And felt like something was wrong.
I didn't fast. But I also didn't eat what I should have. So I'm not sure exactly where that leaves me.
But it leaves me somewhere pretty great mentally. And I didn't fast so I can't keep fasting.
Maybe that was what needed to happen to make this year different.
A bad day doesn't mean a bad life.
Tuesday, 27 September 2016
In a little less a week we are going to start seeing the inevitable Yom Kippur Facebook statuses. They ones that say something along the lines of "if I've hurt you in anyway this year then I am truly...etc". I've been struggling a lot of the concept of the high holidays this year and the underlying feeling of these statements is part of my confusion. I keep trying to figure out why saying that you're sorry is enough to change how your upcoming year will be. Like you didn't DO anything. And with those statuses or tweets or Instagram posts, well, you aren't really saying anything either. You're kind of just lumping all of the pain you might have caused together and saying that every action is equal and all the hurt is equal. Basically, saying sorry should clear you of all wrongdoing. As someone who once actually messaged someone after reading one of these posts to tell the person that I'm glad that you're sorry but I'm still hurt and got the response of "well now it's on your conscience"... I just really didn't get it. So, I've spent a week asking questions, reading books, and driving people crazy. But I think I finally am beginning to understand my problem with those blanket statements and Yom Kippur. Shocker, the problem isn't Yom Kippur. This started becoming clear when I mentioned to someone that I'm really scared that any sorry i say, either to a human or to G-d Himself, won't be good enough to bring me a good year. And the person's response was that I have spent a good portion of this year working on myself and learning and finding Judaism. And that is what true teshuva or "repentance" is. Which kinda threw me off. Because that means that i started the process of trying to be inscribed for a good year before I even said sorry or made a general post about it. I started when I realized that I was doing could be hurtful and made the effort to fix it. True teshuva isn't about saying a word and feeling good because you made an amend, true teshuva is saying the word and following the word with actions that show that you are truly trying to never do that again. And I think that's what bothers me about blanket apologies. I don't have any proof that you're going to try and not do it again. You don't even really know you've done anything wrong. Because it's all an "if" statement. Yom Kippur isn't a time to be scared. It's a time to stand there and say I am like an angel. I know what is right. But I am also human so sometimes I do what is wrong. But given the chance and the means, I will do my best to do the least harmful option possible. So, G-d please give me that chance.
Sorry isn't just a word, it's an action.
Tuesday, 9 August 2016
I was sharing things with my therapist during a session tonight and she gave me some really decent insight into myself. And possibly why it's hurting me so much to be struggling right now. Part of the problem is that I'm focusing so much on the fact that some of my behaviors are back that I'm not seeing the internal growth. The progress that I've worked hard to make. I'm not giving myself credit. I'm just getting more upset at myself. I've been seeing my therapist for almost 4.5 years now. So, she's seen me through almost all of my treatment stays and a lot of ups and downs. And one thing she said that hit me was " it's not good that you're using behaviors but I much prefer this version than what you used to be like". She was saying how before I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to. The goal was to self destruct. And if you happened to be in my way... Well that sucked for you. But now I have feelings and I'm just trying to figure out how to live with them. And that means sometimes turning back to old actions when I can't seem to grab anything. But those are two very different places to be. I'm not running away anymore, I'm just trying to figure myself out. And there can be hiccups along that road. That doesn't mean I'm not growing. She also pointed out that what I'm doing now, being in israel, learning about myself and growing, was never what I would have chosen to do before. I was too busy fighting for my right to have control. To starve and cut and run. I guess she's right... I don't really give myself credit for growing. Because the eating disorder world is so focused on being RECOVERED and not struggling anymore. So, when I struggle it's like while fuck. I suck. But that's not true. I just need to see that behaviors are not the end all be all. It's about the mindset change.
Monday, 8 August 2016
Note to Self: last night you made a crazy mistake because you were hurting. It's okay that you were hurting. But there are definitely better coping mechanisms. But you live and you learn and you grow. Don't beat yourself up. Stand up and start over. Currently you are texting Shannon and you are planning your relapse with her. And the email from Adina is only pushing you further. Don't be stupid. You walked away once. You might not be able to walk away again. You only get so many chances. Right now you think this is a load of bull shit. So, read it later. And again later. And again. You can communicate with your words. Spoken or written. Your body doesn't have to take the brunt of your anger and sadness. Just breathe. Read a book. And for fucks sake stop reading books where the lead has an eating disorder. You can't win against a fictional character.
Thursday, 4 August 2016
Don't judge me. Fair warning for the cheesiness that may ensue.
Hey it's me. But i guess you knew that. I try to talk to you once a day. Sorta. I guess managing to say the Shema in under 30 seconds every night might not totally count. I don't know. Okay. Anyway. I'm kinda new to this whole thing so sorry if I don't do awesome. Im still figuring out your place in my life but so far.. I don't mind noticing it and I actually really enjoy learning about what you've given me down here. It's pretty cool. I started thinking about writing this letter yesterday when Ayelet and Mr. Ayelet told us the story about their house. They're really awesome people. And I'm really blessed to have them in my life. I wonder if they feel the same way about me. Oh well. Anyway. The more I think about things that have happened lately the more I see how nothing is a coincidence. And I'm even starting to feel comfortable recognizing the fact that it's coming from
You and not just "the universe". Like Auelet reading the story last night, and then Mrs. Gersht reading it again. Or my school processing my paperwork. Or the lease form just happening to be due when it needed to be. Even Monica texting me back today. It's so crazy. Maybe life really is like an escalator. I don't know. Im kinda worried that I'm making a mistake still but I guess that's only human. Haha the Christina Perri song called human just popped in my head. Well I guess you knew that. Oh well. Life is just good right now. Stressful but good. I'm pretty sure I should end this with like something about how awesome you are. Oh no wait... That might be the first part of prayer. Is this a prayer ? I don't know. You seem pretty cool. We should do this again sometime. Thanks for showing me that people care about me for more than just drugs or starvation secrets. It's appreciated.
Sunday, 31 July 2016
For this part of the assignment... I'm supposed to reflect on these past 2 months. Where I started and where I am now and everything in between. It's funny because I can't even really see any difference. Last night, I was sitting with the person who assigned these lovely things and she commented on the fact that my roots currently look like a hot mess. And she basically phrased it as "since you've gotten here, your face has changed, your eyes have changed, your posture has changed and your demeanor has changed. Now we just have to get your hair to look less like you've been doing some hard stuff". Ive been going in circles with what she said all day. Because I don't understand what she meant. I don't see how those things have changed. Maybe I'll ask her. But I'm not sure because I don't know if they changed in good ways or not. Anyway. Let's start this.
I don't see a lot of difference like other people apparently do. But maybe I'll see it one day. For now, all I know is that I'm Jewish, I'm proud to be Jewish, there is a G-D out there, He cares about me, and Torah is important.