Wednesday, 24 December 2014
Friday, 5 December 2014
Saturday, 29 November 2014
Friday, 28 November 2014
Thanksgiving is possibly the most stressful day of the year. It has food (with unknown nutritional info), family and stress. Not to mention that right now is when most relatives start talking about how they're going to have to diet after the holidays. People talk about being stuffed with food and attach guilt to food. But at the same time they judge how much we may or may not be eating and have no problem offering more. I know that I constantly feel judged on this holiday and that the idea of it makes my skin crawl. It's like all my worst fears coming together on this one day. And I can't escape it plus avoiding is a big no-no in recovery. So, I had to go to dinner. And I made it through but I can tell you that what I ate doesn't fit the typical Thanksgiving plate picture and I was still shaking with fear at the end. Thanksgiving with an eating disorder is terrifying and paralyzing and be a dangerous relapse point. Which is why as I am typing this, I am eating breakfast. You can't let one scary meal affect everything else you are working on.
Thanksgiving has more meaning to it than just food. You just have to find it.
Friday, 21 November 2014
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
- eat more regularly
- drink water or at least less caffeine
- english paper 1 :compare/contrast
- english paper 2: cause/effect
- english paper 3: characterization
- history quiz 2
- history article review
- history bibliography
- psych movie analysis
- psych experiment assignment
- psych advertising assignment
- sleep for more than 3 hours
- teaching class powerpoint
- teaching class assignments
- teaching class portfolio
history quiz 2
- history article review
- psych movie analysis
- pysch advertising assignment
teaching class powerpoint
- teaching class assignments
- english paper 1
- english paper 2
- history bibliography
english paper 3
- teaching class portfolio
- eat more regularly
- drink more water
- psych experiment assignment
Friday, 14 November 2014
Friday, 7 November 2014
Don't underestimate what people notice.
Thursday, 30 October 2014
Right now I'm trying to get myself out of this. Without giving specifics, I'm trying to make my meals more regular, trying to not give into other "healthy" urges and trying to make sure that I am doing the things that truly make me happy. (Hello new college apps).
If you think you might be trying to have a part time eating disorder, here are some things to think about:
- You are more tired than usual
- You lose focus more easily
- you still enjoy what you do but it doesn't feel as right
- You question yourself a lot more
- People are starting to be worried about you
- Other people, including you, see no issue with what is going on
- Your food seems slightly off
- Urges are becoming stronger
- You feel like have a completed a part-time eating disorder.
Don't stay on the fence. It might be worse than fighting.
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Fight. Fight that bitch in your head.
Sunday, 5 October 2014
I NEDA Walk because we all need hope. Because I need to not feel alone. Because not everyone can walk for themselves. Because approximately 23 people die every day from eating disorders. Because I refuse to be a statistic. Because I have friends who deserve more than the life they are living. Because hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Because recovery is possible.
Why do you NEDA Walk?
Friday, 19 September 2014
Holding tightly onto life
A life doesn't really exist
I stay awake with tears running down my face
And hate myself more and more
With every bite of food
I question why I even try
I am 18 years old
I should be having fun
Loving the age I am
Finally an adult
Instead, I hope to not wake up
I hope to never see food again
I am barely holding myself together
I am busy trying to hold off my demons
But they are strong
Instead of eating ice cream
And being a "normal" girl
I am an anorexic.
I am not living, I am existing
Life doesn't have to be like this
Saturday, 6 September 2014
For the past several days, I have been considering changing my name. After looking into how Judaism views it and reflecting on how I feel towards my name...I think it may be a decent idea. See, every name is attached to a fate. Change your name...change your fate. It is one of the four ways to do it and is also known to help ward off the angel of death. Once I got the Jewish okay to it, I turned inward. I've never particularly liked my given name. For a few reasons. The first being that it is kinda old fashioned and just doesn't seem to fit me as a person. And second because I was given my grandmother's name. Don't get me wrong, it's an honor. She was an incredible person. She was nice to everyone and believed there was good in everyone. I hold a lot of similar beliefs. But that makes it hard to be myself. I feel a constant comparison to her. I hear about her all the time and when people who knew her meet me...that's all they want to talk about. I think for me, changing my name might not be the worst idea. But it may destroy the relationship I have with my family. Weighing the pros and cons will be what I do this week.
Do you believe in changing fate?
Saturday, 23 August 2014
Perfection doesn't exist, so why do we want it?
Friday, 15 August 2014
Sorry it was just a quick catch-up, I've been crazy busy!
Saturday, 2 August 2014
I graduated from high school two days ago. That's right. I finally made it to the end of my high school career. Something that a lot of people thought would never happen or if it did that I would finish while in a treatment center. But that didn't happen. I stayed in school the entire year plus some and walked the stage to receive my high school diploma. I have almost never felt more proud of myself than in that moment. Graduation is a great starting place rather than an ending. I'm now in the same place as the rest of my friends. I am going to college in less than three weeks and my life is going pretty well. I truly am moving on.
Some people would say that I haven't truly moved on. That my mind still needs a lot of work and my weight could be healthier. So, maybe they are right. Maybe I have not totally moved on from my eating disorder. But that is ok. It doesn't happen overnight or in a set amount of time. High school does. And I learned all I could in the past four years. About myself, about subjects, about recovery, about friendships. There is nothing left for me to learn from those experiences. Recovery will have to be worked for in college and hopefully will be reached there. But it may not. Each chapter of your life teaches you new things and gives new experiences for you to learn from. For me, I turned the page to a new chapter two days ago. And a brand new one is starting right now.
Moving on can be scary but it can also be really empowering. It gives a sense of accomplishment. I will always look back on high school and remember how much I missed out on but I will also remember the friends and fun times it gave me as well.
This song pretty much explains how I feel. So, I leave you with a video link and the message to let yourself move forward in life.
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
They all say that.
As they open their diet food and I glare.
She doesn't need to eat as much as you.
You need to eat full-fat foods.
He needs to watch the scale. For health.
None of us are sick.
We don't need to learn to eat.
All of us could stand to eat healthier. Except you.
We want you to have a normal life.
Because you can never be "this" normal.
You're right it is different. I took the control, that you desperately want, to an extreme. I turned diet into sickness. For every meal that you attempt to make healthier and every round of seconds that you shame her for, I thank G-D for those. The ice cream and muffins and supplements. It is different. My fight for life, only matters when it doesn't fit your "ideal". Don't worry I feel the stares as I eat nothing diet and try to count calories to hit the number I need and not the one I want. I am different. Your "lifestyle" could kill me. And tomorrow I am going to wake up and make a difference in the world. One full meal at a time.
It is ok to eat. I promise.
Sunday, 29 June 2014
Anyway, point of this post. Israel proved to be a minor struggle for me in terms of eating and my hunger cues are all messed up again. But I feel awkward reaching out for help to my team or even my coach. (I would rather deal with my coach but I don't know if she would answer me). Let's put it this way....the scale and I didn't agree. But I don't post numbers. SO, that's all you can know. Basically, I am now tasked with fixing the disaster that came out of the most incredible trip of my life. Little ironic that I had more fun but managed to struggle at the same time. I texted my dietitian today and tried to say something about this whole situation to her but she's just been repeating herself. All she says is that I need to trust myself. Well, I'm trying to do that but it's probably a BAD idea. And yes, I know she's going to read this. I accept it. Gaining weight is hard for anyone with an eating disorder. Believe me, I know. But I have to do it. And that will be the strongest thing I've ever done. Out of struggle comes strength I guess. Or at least I really really hope so. Or I am so in trouble.
I don't know how this will pan out or if I will tell my coach or not. It's all kinda up in the air. DOn't worry though...there will be an update. I promise. Watch out for my next post!
Don't let your struggles change you.
Thursday, 5 June 2014
Monday, 26 May 2014
*I cried while writing this*
Sunday, 18 May 2014
Monday, 5 May 2014
One year ago, I was on my way to my third treatment stay. One year ago, I was unhappy and sick. One year ago, I was on home and hospital. One year ago, I was pulled out of a show. One year ago, I was lost. One year ago, I was drowning. One year ago, I hated my life and myself. One year ago is not today. Today is not one year ago. Today I only talk of treatment as a memory. Today I am happy and healthy. Today I am finishing my senior year of high school and have been in school all year. Today I am on a gymnastics team and finished my last shows as a high school student. Today I am finding myself. Today I am not only surviving but thriving. Today I love my life. Today I am ready to go to college in the fall and be free. One year ago, I watched my friends post their prom pictures from my hospital room. I commented on how pretty they looked and they responded that they missed me. This year, I'm going to two proms and have my own pictures to share. This year, my friends don't have to miss me because I'm here. Today, I don't love myself all the time and life isn't butterflies and rainbows. Today, I don't know what I will eat tomorrow. But today that's ok. Today, I know I can get through that. And if I can get through the last year... I can get through anything. Recovery is possible. I know it is. Because otherwise my today would still be my last year. And that means that I probably wouldn't be here. But I am.
Every day is a new chance. Don't let your yesterday define your tomorrow.
Monday, 28 April 2014
The Top Ten Ways You Know You Are In Recovery (or at least I know I am)
10. You know you are in recovery when you try to stay up late and then wonder how you used to exercise all night....man life is tiring.
9. You know you are in recovery when pasta is your new best friend (how did I live without it!?!?!)
8. You know you are in recovery when you get annoyed when people think you don't eat
7. You know you are in recovery when you can pretty much say you've tried every kind of peanut butter
6. You know you are in recovery when losing weight is more stressful than rewarding (talk about anxiety)
5. You know you are in recovery when you exercise and then go eat pizza with your friends because calories are fun little energy bugs
4. You know you are in recovery when you have your own pints of ice cream (do not touch my Ben and Jerry's.)
3. You know you are in recovery when having clothes be too big makes you so mad and scared rather than proud and excited
2. You know you are in recovery when feeling your bones is the last thing you want to happen (bruises everywhere? no thanks. More things to bang on gymnastics stuff...yeah no)
1. You know you are in recovery when you no longer view your dietitian as an evil little troll with a scale and food talk.
Sunday, 27 April 2014
Don't be afraid to be with people that suffer too but don't let it affect your recovery negatively either.
Holidays and traditions are important but don't let them take away your recovery
Sunday, 20 April 2014
Since my last post was over a month ago...you can pretty much assume a lot has happened. So, I am going to quickly catch you up and then talk about why the end of season was so interesting.
This last month has had ups and downs and lefts and rights and all that jazz. I got a prom date, had two meets, met my roommate for next year, and can finally say I am like 90% more comfortable with myself than I ever have been. All of those things have been absolutely wonderful. I've also had to deal with Passover (next post), triggers and recognizing how far I have come. None of those have been fun. In fact that pretty much sucked.
Anyway onto the end of competition season. Championships were held at my gym and that was really nice to recognize so many faces and feel at home. I fell on two of my four routines, which were bi disappointments. Especially my fall on beam. It's my favorite event and I would have gotten my highest score if I hadn't taken that fall. But it happens. I pulled my highest scores on all the other events and at the end of the day was extremely proud of myself. I will admit that it was frustrating and upsetting and I felt awful about most of what I did. Like I had let everybody down. But seeing my coach be proud of me and smiling after my routines, helped me realize that it didn't matter that I had fallen because I had made it. I accomplished my comeback. And someone was proud of me. My all around score went up about three points. And minus missing a skill in my floor routine, I only received .5 in deductions. Basically, after a lot of thought...I am proud of everything I did.
The interesting thing is that not only did I grow as a gymnast over this season...I grew as a person. My symptom usage went down significantly, I am almost a year and half self-harm free, I remembered that the best things in life take work and don't come easily, my friend circle is starting to change, and I now feel like I have a place in life. I had missed out on all of this for so long. I had forgotten about all th hard work and the camraderie and the adrenaline. That is why I love this sport. That is how it has now saved my life.
Now, I leave you with a couple new pictures and couple old. Enjoy!
Sunday, 16 March 2014
In news of the exciting world of me: my team has decided that I am trustworthy enough to get weighed every two weeks. Woot! Except that if I fall more than x number of pounds out of my range then I can't practice till I gain it back. And to make things more exciting... the two weeks leads up to a meet week. So, I actually cannot afford to lose weight. At all. Now because of this, I have to make sure I hit my calorie amount. Which means counting calories. Which means having to pick up an old behavior. Which kinda sucks. Like I was pretty much over counting calories but now I have to or I'm so screwed. And I don't reach out to my team anymore... so I have no accountability?!?! Pretty sure I messed this up badly. But at least my anxiety can rest a little since I know the calories. Positives?
Try not to pick up old behaviors.
Sunday, 9 March 2014
Some of you may have heard of Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach. And I'm assuming most of you that have heard of him, have also heard of his daughter, Neshama. She is a singer and speaker that travels the country not only to speak about her father but about her own beliefs. This weekend, I was fortunate enough to listen to her sing and speak and get to meet her at my synagogue. First off, she is incredibly talented and so so nice. Second, she brought some really interesting ideas up. One of which is the focus of this blog. (For those who know about her father and don't agree with things you've heard, this is not a post about him. This is simply about Neshama and something I took away from listening to HER.)
During the Saturday morning service, the idea somehow came up that without Jews and other believers...There isn't really a G-D. Stay with me here. Religion is based on the belief of a higher power that has been named. Nobody (alive) can say that they know G-D is real. We believe it to be true. But if nobody believed in a higher power then technically it doesn't exist. Until there is a belief and a name in a concept.... there's nothing. We have G-D because we believe He is there.
I was trying to figure out if this idea applied to other areas of my life. And I think it may actually apply in an eating disorder setting. For almost a year and a half, I refused to "name" my eating disorder. For 6 years I refused to even acknowledge that I had one. Including during a treatment stay. The thinking being, if I had didn't believe it then it wouldn't be real. Once I admitted to having one. It became slightly more real. Treatment became more than a prison... it became torture. But the real change happened when it was given the name, Ana. It became something I was forced to believe in. It had a name. It had backing. I'm not comparing G-D to an eating disorder but the same belief idea could easily be applied.
So the question being, if everyone lost belief in G-D and that made Him not exist..... could the same be true for my eating disorder? If I take away the name, then it's just an abstract idea. Not something I can ask for help or something I can blame for my problems. I think it's possible that I have to do to "Ana" , the one thing I could never do to G-D.
It's amazing what one little statement can help you discover. Always be listening.
Saturday, 8 March 2014
It takes a lot for me to get truly angry with another person. But I get angry with myself really easily. Especially if I know that I can do/fix whatever it is. There is one skill right now that I KNOW I can do on bars. But no matter how many times I try, no matter how many different ways I attempt.... it just happen. And at this point not only is my coach annoyed with me but I'm so mad at myself. Like it's such a simple skill. And it doesn't scare me. I know how to do it. I just can't seem to get it to happen. It just makes it worse when not only are you mad and disappointed in yourself but the people around you are just as annoyed with you. Especially when there are consequences. Like rope climbs (I'm absolutely terrified of climbing ropes). I just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should just give up. Ughhh. But the thing with anger is that it can also be used productively. So, maybe things have a chance of getting better?
Anger sucks but can be a learning experience.
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
Treatment team of course. Anyway I need to vent this before I slap someone. So, when I turned 18 my parents and team made me sign a contract to make sure I don't fall on my butt too often. According to this contract if I fall out of my weight range then I have one week to gain it back or I lose practice till I get back into it. Well the grace period was last week and I'm not in my range. So, technically I shouldn't be practicing this week. But I convinced my parents to let me go because I've been super stressed out and need the outlet or I'll actually go insane. Plus the whole taking something away to make it an incentive doesn't work for me. It just pisses me off which makes me want to not eat. Anyway, I normally have to add more calories on a day with practice but my dietitian still sends me my meals for the day. So, I assumed my mom had told her I was practicing and therefore she had put in the calories like normal. But I figured I should ask. And I got like a really pissy answer back about how I should know that I have to add calories and that she should have known I was practicing and that I should be reaching out more during the day if I'm going to be confused. Like okay I get it, I broke the contract. But at the same time... I'm making an effort to make sure I hit my calories. Don't be mad at me. My mom said she would take care of it. So don't be so annoyed when I have a question. I can't wait to not have this team in a couple months. I'm so done with them. They don't even really help anymore. I say I need help and they basically have me help myself because I know what to do but when I don't reach out they get mad because I should be asking for help. Like no. Pick a darn side.
Sorry. Rant over.
Sunday, 2 March 2014
This weekend, I have had the opportunity to be at two incredible events. Where I played the exact opposite roles. The first was being in my final play at the local drama center. I was Alice in Alice in Wonderland. And the second was seeing Demi Lovato in concert...again. I'm going to talk about those in their respective order and then explain the title of the post. So, needless to say, being in your last show is possibly the most emotional event in theatre. Half the cast was crying. But it was more important to me that I leave something for them to remember. Before each show we go around and people say things to get us all in the right headspace. And today mine was different. I couldn't say that we would do amazing and then be ready for our next show. I don't have a next one. So, I left them with two messages that go together. Number one was to make life what you want it to be. If you hate what you're doing then you're going to hate life. You have to have fun. It's just necessary. And number two, don't let the success of show one take away your energy for all the shows after because then you are truly doing yourself and the audience a disservice. To put that into real life terms, put your all into everything you do. At the end of the day you have to be proud and know that you tried your best. I cannot believe this journey is over but it is time to move on. And that is okay. I know it is. Now for the Demi concert. Demi Lovato has gotten me through so so much. I actually would not be alive without her and her music. Going to her concert and hearing her make a speech and singing along with thousands of other people who love her just as much is the most invigorating feeling. It was exactly what I needed right now. That sense of hope. Here is where the title of this post comes in. Until tonight, I didn't realize how dishonest I was being with myself. I've stopped reaching out and eating is becoming harder and self harming keeps coming up as an idea. But I've been ignoring all of it because everything else is going so well. Even weirder is that I've started to want to ignore the fact that I ever self harmed or that I have an eating disorder. I don't want to recognize it. At all. And it wasn't until Demi's speech tonight about reaching out and reducing stigma and the fact that you can conquer anything...did I realize how far I'd fallen without noticing. I admit it, I'm not pulled together as much anymore. And that is honesty.
Reach out when you need to. Someone will be there to listen.
Saturday, 22 February 2014
My coach has suddenly become very attuned to my eating habits. Or rather has recently started saying things to me about them. Before you judge...it's not what you think. She's concerned that I'm not eating enough. And she's concerned about my grades. I know to some people this may seem like common sense considering how often we are together... but that wasn't always the case for me. I didn't grow up in this gym. I grew up in one where you didn't eat during practice and the coaches didn't really care. So, needless to say, I was a little skeptical at first. Like why would she care? And is it genuine caring or just pretend? Being me, I asked her. And she does actually care. As much as we have a love/hate relationship, I couldn't imagine this year without her coaching me. Not only in the gym but in life. She has taught so much about myself. And I can't ever repay that. I honestly didn't realize that she actually cared until like last week and wasn't totally sure until today. She like gave me food. She never gives me food. I know she won't read this. Or probably won't. But either way, it feels really nice to have someone in my corner who pushes me harder than anyone else, in so many ways. I can do this. And I know that I have people to help me through. Thank you.
Take the time to notice the people around you and the support they want to give.
Sunday, 16 February 2014
I'm sure that most of you have heard of Quest Bars. But if you haven't, they are a brand of protein bars that are "healthy" and not very calorie dense. And I will admit that some of the flavors taste okay. But what I find so interesting is that these bars are making a huge splash in the eating disorder recovery world. Everyone I know who is either in recovery or pretending to be or anything like that, has suddenly become infatuated with them. I mean if they were looking for a niche.... they found one. I had one with me at practice the other day and my coach (being the soon to be nutritionist that she is) wanted to look at it. As she read the ingredients she noted that one of them is a modified plant substance that humans cannot even break down. And after trying it, she wanted to kill me! Apparently it's more of an acquired taste than I thought. I guess my point is that there are so many better tasting bars like Nature Valley protein bars are delicious and good for you! I don't totally understand how I and my friends all fell into the same bar trap. We didn't even talk to each other about it. But I do think it could be a major problem.
Don't let "health" dictate everything.
Sunday, 2 February 2014
Find a group that makes you feel at home. The journey is so worth it.
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Don't let your life become a blur. You'll miss out on too much.
Sunday, 12 January 2014
I think I heard the title of this post at least 50 times this week. Besides the pain in my knees and back, I realized something else. Sometimes we don't know our own strength. In my case this week it meant physical strength. I was doing round - off back handsprings and let's just say I have more leg power than I thought. I kept pushing off and flipping over without my hands touching the floor, not exactly how you do the skill. At all. But after a few tries my hands would touch the ground and I got the hang of the strength I have in me. We all have unknown power within us. Mental and physical. We can all enter recovery or jump backwards. Whatever you can dream, you can do. You just have to learn to use and control it or "put your hands down". Yes, you'll fall and things will hurt but that's how you learn to land. If you don't accept it and learn to use it properly, you will never accomplish everything that you are possible of.
Basically, we are really strong. We just have to put our hands down.
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
There's something I've realized through this process that I didn't anticipate; I am always going to look at things in a different light than those who haven't had an eating disorder. It's just a fact. I will always view people's actions and emotions, the outside world and quite frankly everything differently. Sometimes that is really nice. I have so much empathy and so much drive. But other times it makes me realize how crazy some people are. And I don't like that part.
Let me explain.
Right now, a family I am very close with is in the middle of changing their food habits. In more ways than one. The mom is trying to make sure she doesn't gain weight (through use of a popular calorie counting app) and the youngest son cannot have fructose. The first one irks me because I used that app to count my "allowed" calories for years and it just bothers me. The second doesn't bother me because of him. It bothers me because she isn't just changing his diet, she's changing the entire house's diet and personally I find that unfair to her other son. I kinda want to like shake her and show her why it's not a good idea because her older son will get upset eventually and probably rebel against this idea. But I can't. So, I will just wait it out.
As for the other part of seeing things differently... it's amazing. I don't take my time in my sport for granted like a lot of others do and my friends are higher on my list of priorities than I am. And I appreciate normal things so much more.
Friday, 3 January 2014
So my coach knows about my eating disorder. Which is fine. I mean I told her. But anyway that's the point of this post. Today, she texted me to say that the gym was open despite all the snow and her text woke me up. Naturally I told her that she woke me up and she replied that it was 930 and I should get over it. To which I responded that I should probably get up anyway because I had X amount of calories to eat for the day. (On a side note, my coach is an exercise science major who wants to be a sports dietitian). After telling her the number she replied that there was no way it was enough to help me in the gym or help maintain my weight and suggested a higher number. It didn't actually freak me out as much as I thought it would. After discussing it with my actual dietitian, we decided that it would be a good idea to slowly up my intake to help me build muscle. I went to practice tonight and made 2 new skills and practiced old ones that got improved (yay). During break I normally just sit on my phone or talk to people but I never eat snack. However, my coach was not okay with this apparently. She tried to hand me a small chocolate bar to which I originally said no. She then very quickly handed it to me and said "eat it. I know you haven't had enough calories today and that's not ok". I have never had someone say something like that who wasn't a professional or an annoying family member. I guess the point of this is two things. The first being that you'd be surprised who cares when you let people in. The second being that gymnastics is not as body conscience and awful as people make it out to be. Hell my coach forced me to eat chocolate. I have the best coach and team ever. And for that I am incredibly thankful.