This weekend, I have had the opportunity to be at two incredible events. Where I played the exact opposite roles. The first was being in my final play at the local drama center. I was Alice in Alice in Wonderland. And the second was seeing Demi Lovato in concert...again. I'm going to talk about those in their respective order and then explain the title of the post. So, needless to say, being in your last show is possibly the most emotional event in theatre. Half the cast was crying. But it was more important to me that I leave something for them to remember. Before each show we go around and people say things to get us all in the right headspace. And today mine was different. I couldn't say that we would do amazing and then be ready for our next show. I don't have a next one. So, I left them with two messages that go together. Number one was to make life what you want it to be. If you hate what you're doing then you're going to hate life. You have to have fun. It's just necessary. And number two, don't let the success of show one take away your energy for all the shows after because then you are truly doing yourself and the audience a disservice. To put that into real life terms, put your all into everything you do. At the end of the day you have to be proud and know that you tried your best. I cannot believe this journey is over but it is time to move on. And that is okay. I know it is. Now for the Demi concert. Demi Lovato has gotten me through so so much. I actually would not be alive without her and her music. Going to her concert and hearing her make a speech and singing along with thousands of other people who love her just as much is the most invigorating feeling. It was exactly what I needed right now. That sense of hope. Here is where the title of this post comes in. Until tonight, I didn't realize how dishonest I was being with myself. I've stopped reaching out and eating is becoming harder and self harming keeps coming up as an idea. But I've been ignoring all of it because everything else is going so well. Even weirder is that I've started to want to ignore the fact that I ever self harmed or that I have an eating disorder. I don't want to recognize it. At all. And it wasn't until Demi's speech tonight about reaching out and reducing stigma and the fact that you can conquer anything...did I realize how far I'd fallen without noticing. I admit it, I'm not pulled together as much anymore. And that is honesty.
Reach out when you need to. Someone will be there to listen.