Life is like putting on a grand show. Everyday you put on a costume, maybe a mask, and you go out and put on a dance for the world. You show what you hope will garner at least some applause. If you watch my show, most of the players are guys. Shocker. I know. They make me do my dance. They move me. The problem is what happens when they no longer show up? Do I simply stand on the stage alone? Or do I become my own director and choreographer? Most would hope for the latter, but I've learned time and again that it is usually the former. End of metaphor. The point is after so much time of not knowing myself, I don't have respect for what I can do without guys. Self respect is something I so badly want for other people. But I don't have it. Today, I had an opportunity to talk to someone who sees behind the act I put on. One that some of you have seen. I've gotten really good at being stupid. Multiple times during this meeting, she pointed out that she saw right through it. Which was such a relief. It's a hard act to stop but it doesn't change that it feels nice to know that someone knows I'm not an idiot. So that's cool. Granted she also apparently thinks I'm going to end up religious. And living in Israel. The second part is definitely happening. For sure. There's something so incredible about this place and the people I don't see myself ending up anywhere else. Perhaps the best thing that happened though was when I told her why I want to be a teacher and she said she thinks id be good at it. All I want is to show kids that learning can be so fun and that some teachers actually love their subject. I can't ask for anything else but being able to do that. Basically, it's shocking where you can find someone that you would love to have as a mentor. Who knew it'd at seminary.
To quote a friend: "did you ever think about just being yourself?"