I was sharing things with my therapist during a session tonight and she gave me some really decent insight into myself. And possibly why it's hurting me so much to be struggling right now. Part of the problem is that I'm focusing so much on the fact that some of my behaviors are back that I'm not seeing the internal growth. The progress that I've worked hard to make. I'm not giving myself credit. I'm just getting more upset at myself. I've been seeing my therapist for almost 4.5 years now. So, she's seen me through almost all of my treatment stays and a lot of ups and downs. And one thing she said that hit me was " it's not good that you're using behaviors but I much prefer this version than what you used to be like". She was saying how before I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to. The goal was to self destruct. And if you happened to be in my way... Well that sucked for you. But now I have feelings and I'm just trying to figure out how to live with them. And that means sometimes turning back to old actions when I can't seem to grab anything. But those are two very different places to be. I'm not running away anymore, I'm just trying to figure myself out. And there can be hiccups along that road. That doesn't mean I'm not growing. She also pointed out that what I'm doing now, being in israel, learning about myself and growing, was never what I would have chosen to do before. I was too busy fighting for my right to have control. To starve and cut and run. I guess she's right... I don't really give myself credit for growing. Because the eating disorder world is so focused on being RECOVERED and not struggling anymore. So, when I struggle it's like while fuck. I suck. But that's not true. I just need to see that behaviors are not the end all be all. It's about the mindset change.