Monday, 3 July 2017

Perfectionism- Step 1

I am attempting to write this through a ton of tears. So, let's see how this goes. In case it isn't obvious, I am a super epic perfectionist. And so my lovely sponsor decided to challenge me to do something in a sub-standard fashion. And I decided the best thing to do would be to come back on this blog and post something that has no real theme or concept and to not edit anything I write in it. Let it be raw and real. Which means I am currently crying. Because this is not how I write. Because I don't let myself publish things that aren't up to my standard. But here we are. And here it goes.

My brain is currently a hot mess of anxiety and eating disorder thoughts. Which leads me to want to act out in other ways such as drinking and drugs and even self-harm again. Because I just cannot handle my own brain. I want to starve and shrink and exercise until I pass out. I want to feel the hunger gnawing at my insides. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't because that's not me anymore. I don't live in crisis anymore. And if one more person tells me that I need to get over it and move on because life is not a crisis and I should just eat. I am going to scream. Because they obviously just don't understand. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to crawl out and never crawl back in. It's hard. It's even harder to realize that a few months ago, I wasn't in as bad of a place. Meaning...this is my fault. I messed it up. I started exercising more. I drank. I took percocet. I stopped eating as much. This is my doing. And I think that is what hurts more than any thought. Is the one that tells me how much I know better.

I'm crying more now. Partially because of what I wrote and partially because it isn't phrased how I would like it to be. But that is how you let go. So, that's that.